After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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