M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
