my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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