3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Randomize
