you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
