Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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