I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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