he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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