As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
