Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
