Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I looked at my own cervix.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Mom said you looked used
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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