I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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