I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
