Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
