there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
