But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
