Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
