The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
