I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
