Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Houston, we have a blender
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
