he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
