why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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