just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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