I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
