I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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