I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
