Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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