I want to walk on stilts...naked
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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