i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
