That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize