Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
