i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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