I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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