So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
How naked do you want me to be?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
