you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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