I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
