new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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