Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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