there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
