I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
