If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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