made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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