Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
