Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
