Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
