i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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