just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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