Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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