He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
