Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
