I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
