In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
