I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
