but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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