he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
