I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
