I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
