I think my fart just growled at me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
