saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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