i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
