His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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